Last night I raw dogged a biddy cause I couldn't find a condom in my nightstand. She started crying when she found out, so I kicked her out. I think I ruined her bachelorette party. #brostory.
 
 
Today I killed it with a hat-trick in our LAX final. After the tournament, the goalie's girlfriend of the opposing team's blew me in the locker room. I told her to tell him what greatness tastes like. #brostories
 
 
Bros, have I got a story for you.

This past week, actually on a Wednesday, my roommate goes out and conquers this fine dime piece at the bar. When he brings her back, they go at it for a while, then pass out. At about 4 in the morning, she wakes up goes to the downstairs bathroom, I have no idea why the downstairs one, but comes back up and walks into MY room. Being a light sleeper, I wake up, we definitely make eye contact, then she climbs into my bed. By this point I am wide awake and just thinking: "WTF, why is there a chick that smells like vomit in my bed on a Wednesday." I am pretty sure a one-legged pirate homeless dude could have rolled over and tapped that. Needless to say, I was not having it, and I tossed her into my bros room for him to deal with. The next morning my other roommates were furious cause apparently she lost her "sangria" all over their bathroom.